Oh Say, Can You Send Me More Free Junk?

Something was obviously amiss when my order from Victoria's Secret arrived looking like this:

But at least the Postmaster had included his kind words about how he "regret[ted] the damage to [my] mail" and "hope[d I would] understand," which, fine, I do/am forgiving. It was only when I finally got through the 2 f-ed up bags that I grew a bit concerned when I found the bra I ordered all scuffed to hell, like it had either inexplicably come out of its packaging and wound up snaggled in some greasy mail sorting contraption or someone else had previously tested its fit by getting hot and heavy on newly laid asphalt.

Next, I pulled out half the swimsuit I ordered, which, yes is what I expected as the top is backordered. According to this invoice should have been the second of the two items included in this mailing:But wait! There was still more! First this, which, huh? Had I known this product even existed I still would have had no desire to get it, even for free. According to its instruction manuel it's some bag in which to wash bras, which, while I've heard of, never thought of as something my life was lacking. I've already managed to kinda break it (who knew the support piping was made of inflexible plastic) but no worries, I'm sure that small alteration will do nothing to effect the way it sits unused under my bed for the next 10 months.

Just when I thought I'd lucked(?) out, I realized there were even more presents in store. Namely this...except wait, the picture won't upload, but suffice to say it's the top to this suit in a size medium--an article of clothing that might house approximately one fourth of one of my boobs if I really stretched it and which I never would have come even remotely close to thinking about ordering.

But all of this is not to say I'm not excited by free stuff. What's more American, really, than wanting to get something for nothing? So rather than send back the unwanted bra sack and fabric swatch I will keep them both, in all their useless glory, and in doing so will, one day late, celebrate America and the triumph that is our freedom to horde impractical junk.